It’s been three months now, since she left
The TV, the Swift, the Fisher and Paykel, the Dyson.
It really hit home when she picked up the photo albums last week
Her boss is fit and tall with a pointy face.
He’s a track and field athlete.
Almost perfect.
With loads of money and kids and an ex wife
I don’t have these things
I’ve not been perfect either
There was Janice, Maureen and Fatima
But at least I had the decency to not get caught
I also didn’t bring any of them on holiday with us.
He has a tiny ass and he wore a Speedo
You could see his testicles swinging from the behind.
The pompous prick.
They would sneak off to the Hotel bar together.
Probably laughing at me.
She at least had the decency to leave Freddo behind.
Our pet greyhound.
He is tall and skinny, with a pointy face and one can see his testicles from behind.
I’ve been beating the shit out of Freddo for the last two weeks.
His gay fucking wailing is the only thing that brings me solace.
Dog Bollox
Hello and welcome to my fifth blog post you cunts.
I hope you enjoyed that little bit of prose about a man who beats his dog because it reminds him of a bad man.
So my blog has been going well.
Much better than I expected when I started it. I’ve been getting loads of messages from you guys, but I don’t know who’s asking them.
The way the free website works, is that you have to register in order for me to see your name. This isn’t a ploy for you to register by the way, I’m not really bothered.
I’ve gotten quite a few questions asking me what kind of drugs I’m taking.
I’m not on drugs or drink when I write.
Why some of my stuff sounds so mad is because I write in a state of flow. That basically means that I will type anything and see where it takes me. This is what happened when I did the prose you just read. Like playing with Lego without a plan in mind.
I will write the first few lines without having a conclusion and I let the rest reveal itself to me, I do very minimal editing to it, I want it unpolished. This doesn’t work for my novel though, I kind of know where it is going, but some of the subplots are being created like this.
Another thing I do is caled ‘On the Body’ writing.
This means that when things happen to me, I will immediately document it. I use the Notepad on my phone.
This can be anything. Getting caught in the rain, toothache, fixing something, a gorgeous poo.
I may never use some of them, but I hold onto them anyway. I probably have thousands of these notes and nothing can come close to describing emotions in the moment.
These are my brain’s drugs.
I’ve written on weed before, it is fucking horrible. It was great for mad ideas though, to be fair.
The only thing that I consciously try to avoid is falling into the Hero’s Journey trap. The basic plot lines for all storytelling, from the Bible to Harry Potter. Setup, conflict and resolution is the narrative for all of these. I personally think that after 2000 years, that shit is played out. Maybe this is why I can’t watch movies anymore.
If you enjoy movies, I suggest you don’t look at any work by the American Cultural Anthropologist, Joseph Campbell. That wanker killed it for me.
There’s a crack in everything, that’s how the light get’s in, sang Leonard Cohen. Some positive Coronavirus results for once.
My baby daughter learned to ride a bike just before lockdown.
I know that seven is pretty old to learn to ride a bike, but she struggles with coordination when it involves inanimate objects designed for propulsion. Rollerblades, skateboards, bicycles, she takes a long time to confidently use them.
Anything else and she’s all good.
Anyway, we decided to go riding in the park yesterday. It’s ok to ride a bicycle, according to the New Zealand Government, bicycle users are immune to CV19. I’ve seen this bicycle cunts ride miles out from their areas of self isolation. I fucking hate those spandex wearing wankers, they think they are better than everyone else.
My daughter has got pretty good. She starts herself now, and follows the path with ease. Picking up some good speed too.
That wasn’t the best part, I took my pushbike along as well. I ride it sometimes, down to Takapuna Beach for a bit of fitness. I don’t wear tight fitting clothes and a helmet because I’m a grown man, but I do it on the curb when I ride. I don’t want to be a cycling prick.
It was pretty awesome seeing my wife take a ride on one. It’s been 20 years since she had a go. The last time she rode one, she ended up on her ass.
She really enjoyed it, bar the sore fanny. Not me this time.
It was even suggested that I get one of those stupid looking bike racks for my SUV.
I think I’ll do that once I sell some of my go-carts after lockdown.
I’m looking forward to this happening, we don’t really have a common adventure type thingy. It might be fun.
Bicycle Wanker
I know I’ve been talking about Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and that I need to talk about negative automatic thoughts as promised, but I listened to a class audiobook called ‘The Games People Play’ by a lad called Eric Berne.
It is a psychology book written in 1964 rooted in psychoanalytic theory. I know that Freaudian stuff can be a bit hardcore, but I enjoyed a bit where Berne was talking about Transaction Analysis. I’m so fucking guilty of so much things he was rabbiting on about.
Class Book
The section was basically about how we switch between our various ego states throughout the day.
The three general states are.
Child ego:
The state where you are stubborn and in search of instant gratification.
Parent state:
The one who has to win the argument at all costs and is a despot.
Adult state:
The state of reasoning and soundness. The one you need to strive to spend most of your time in.
I won’t get into it too much, but here is what happened to me just a few minutes ago.
I went down to the garage earlier for no fucking reason but to just look at my bikes. I need a few things to finish my bike, but I know that I need to wait until the lockdown is over.
My gorgeous wife came down to ask me a question about some irrelevant bullshit and I proceeded to whinge and moan about how I needed to get my bike going.
I was well and truly in my child ego state and once she told me that I needed to stop being a little bitch, I then changed my whole approach and told her I can do whatever I felt like doing as I’m a grown man. This was my parent ego state.
I know I was a moaner as a kid, and now as an adult, when I enter my child ego state, I will do the same. I may even exhibit some of the physical attributes I had as a child. Highly animated body movements and a high pitched voice.
My adult state mimics my Mom. Highly opinionated and a strong tendency to be in control. I may swear quite a bit too.
When she ultimately told me to fuck off, I realised the errors of my ways and I proceeded to apologise calmly and sincerely. This was my adult state. No child or parent chooses to apologise.
That’s only five minutes of my day lads, imagine how many times we switch between these states in a day.
It is very possible to be in more than two states at once. Here is something I do at least two or three times a month.
When my wife and I have an argument, and especially when I’m wrong, I will get all pissed off and get on my bike.
I will roar off in first gear and make sure that she hears me riding like a mad cunt. Then I will stay away all day.
I will return late in the evening and proceed to give her the silent treatment.
My logic is that when I leave the gaff, I’m in need of some space and when I return, I am doing the adult thing by not engaging her in conversation. I’m sure many people think this.
What is actually happening in this scenario is that by riding like a complete wanker and staying away for ages, I am deliberately making her worry about me. The silent treatment is just me being passive aggressive and playing it off as maturity. I may as well be punching her in the face.
I’m playing the whole thing off as if I’m an adult, but I will have spent the majority of that day oscillating between my child and parent ego states.
That being said, I do spend a lot of time in my child ego state. As mentioned before, in order to create, I need to be in that age where I played with Lego with no intention of envisioning an outcome.
No wonder my beautiful wife tells everyone that she has three kids.
That’s already too many words now.
I hope you enjoyed that one.
Support my Patreon
